Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if you’ll eat that stuff, you’ll eat anything.
— Unknown
… Wait. Does tequila count as food?
— Corby Anderson
A tequila high sneaks up on you like a memory of the only person you have ever loved: a warm glow pierced by nausea.
— Kevin Berger, “The Agave Blues,” San Francisco
In America, sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it’s a fact.
— Marlene Dietrich
I have trouble paying more than three digits for something that can’t be plugged into a wall.
— Sean Goller (on engagement rings, since recanted)
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
— Matt Groening, Life in Hell
José … José is our Master … José decides who shall remember … and who shall forget.
— Mav (Chris Holly) (in the Toy Story “Claw people” voice)
Goodbye my brothers, I go to unconsciousness … a better place.
— H. Jameel al Khafiz (in a similar voice)
I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
— J. Edgar Hoover
There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
— Billy Joel
She’s a wonderful, wonderful person, and we’re looking forward to a happy and wonderful night — uh, life.
— Ted Kennedy (about his then fiancee, Victoria Reggie)
It’s scotch — I don’t care how old it is, the bouquet is like gasoline … Oh my GOD! I take it all back!
— Leigh (presented with a 25 year old Macallan)
I don’t have Tourrette’s Syndrome — it’s a fucking lifestyle choice!
— Ethan Miller
Christianity gave Eros poison to drink; he did not die of it, but degenerated into a vice.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
Hey, Chet, do we have any kind of policy about primary and secondary [on call personnel] going out together and getting drunk beyond all recognition?
— Primary on-call (me) to Chet Jack
Well, it looks like we will after tonight …
— Hugh Docherty (then secondary)
No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed, and love of power.
— P.J. O’Rourke
I don’t have enough tequila to pass out, just to fall over! this weekend is gonna suck!
— Adam Rixey
it’s against my religion to drink to escape problems. i can only drink to cause problems.
— Geoff Spear
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
— Hunter S. Thompson
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
— Lily Tomlin
If there’s something cooler than RPN, it has to be sex.
— Tomy Tucker (on Reverse Polish Notation)
Profanity often lends itself to contentment not found even at prayer.
— Mark Twain
It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge.
— Voltaire
- Jeffery:
- Aren’t you supposed to be straight — and celibate?
- Father Dan:
- Maybe you didn’t hear me. I’m a Cath-o-lic priest. Historically, that falls somewhere between chorus boy and florist.
— Steven Weber and Nathan Lane; Jeffery
No, you don’t understand. I remember the Seventies — clearly. They sucked! … The only good thing that came out of the Seventies was sex, and I was too young. And I’m pissed!
— Stork (Dave Zabowski)
I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here’s why: it is going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
— Frank Zappa